********, ∆, †‡† ... the most unpronounceable band names ever

Of all the stock ways to name a band (lame puns, random nouns, Something Something and the Somethings), one of the most enduring is choosing something totally unpronounceable. Take ********, whose “first and final” album The Drink is out at the end of the month. They’re probably pronounced Guinness, given this self-penned guide to their name: “Generally Underwhelmed. Incognito. Niceties. Not Even Slightly Suggestive.”

Their aggressively out of tune Bontempi jams, like Dean Blunt tinkering in a haunted bingo hall, aren’t likely to bother the mainstream, so they might as well stop people even being able to talk about them. Or is it the opposite – that they’re making their very unpronounceability a talking point? Well, whether obfuscation or marketing device, they’re far from the only ones to choose a name that requires a record company briefing before you can insert it into dinner party conversation.

!!!

When the enduring Brooklyn dance-punks emerged in around 2000, they said you could pronounce their triple-exclamation name with any trio of monosyllables, though Chk Chk Chk was the one that stuck. Saying “Pyow Pyow Pyow” like a child with a laser would have been my choice, but never mind.

∆

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This is the actual name for Alt-J, and, after three albums of underwritten, maddeningly vague nothing-pop, remains the most notable thing about them. The triangle is what you get when you tap alt-J on a keyboard; the ennui you experience explaining this tedious conceit is a neat distillation of their entire oeuvre.

ttttttttttttttttttttt

“I accidentally put my finger down on the t on the keyboard while I was searching up YouTube and this is what I find”, as one listener says. As marketing strategies go, it’s perhaps not the most finessed, but let’s just call this Montreal duo “t” for the sake of argument. Their echoing freak-folk tracks, like woo-tooo-i-ooo-t’ooo, are essayed across five Bandcamp releases, and nicely recall Animal Collective or Sunburned Hand of the Man.

†‡†

The late-noughties “witch house” scene featured emaciated white people re-embracing heroin chic and making dystopian rap instrumentals, as an excuse for some very silly band names. †‡†, also known as Ritualz, was up against the likes of ///▲▲▲\\\, oOoOO and M△S▴C△RA. You can even make your own via this witch house band name generator.

SHXCXCHCXSH

This Swedish duo make creepy ambient techno for listening to in the woods at night – their pair of EPs last year, Rösten, were excellent and their most dancefloor-facing material yet. They get more unpronounceable points for their 2016 album SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs.

Sunn O)))

Featuring bone-dissolving riffs where each note lasts about two minutes, these magnificent doom metallers have gone from dressing up as trees to collaborating with Scott Walker and achieving a kind of high-cultural cred. A party trick is to go to a Sunn O))) gig and start talking loudly about how much you like “Sunn Oh” – within seconds you’ll have attracted a gaggle of portly mansplainers saying: “Actually, it’s pronounced Sun.”

Ungl’unl’rrlh’chchch

A mysterious Newcastle trio whose name sounds like a Welshman trying to rid some persistent catarrh. They have one self-titled release to their name, with tracks full of dark ambient pulsations and non-specific menace, called things like Deep Engulfing Ancient Evil Chambers. Judging by this live video the keyboard player has a nice line in arm-mounted spikes.

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This quite wonderful name starts off all fine and Latin, and then strikes out into ancient unpronounceability, using Ancient Egyptian, Akkadian and Sumerian lettering. This Minsk band make comically punishing death metal, full of endlessly pummelling floor toms and guttural roaring, and helpfully explain their name thus: “It entirely reveals the unutterable name of the antiuniverse. When divided into fragments, it creates the magic spell of the formless Lords of the prior Darkness.” Be sure to check out their 2016 album Prajecyrujučy Sinhuliarnaje Wypramieńwańnie Daktryny Absaliutnaha J Usiopahłynaĺnaha Zła Skroź Šaścihrannuju Pryzmu Sîn-Ahhī-Erība Na Hipierpawierchniu Zadyjakaĺnaha Kaŭčęha Zasnawaĺnikaŭ Kosmatęchničnaha Ordęna Palieakantakta, Najstaražytnyja Ipastasi Dawosiewych Cywilizacyj Prywodziać U Ruch Ręzanansny Transfarmatar Časowapadobnaj Biaskoncaści Budučyni U Ćwiardyniach Absierwatoryi Nwn-Hu-Kek-Amon, Uwasabliajučy Ŭ Ęfirnuju Matęryju Prach Ałulima Na Zachad Ad Ękzapłaniety PSRB 1620-26b.